I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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