and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
