Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
