apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
