Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
