I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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