I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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