you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
