Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
