Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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