Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
