Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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