Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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