I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
