Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
