he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
