i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
