My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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