I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
