He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Randomize
