The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Soap is not a condiment
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
