I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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