Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
