I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
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