DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Randomize
