I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you had me at cake vodka
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
