I can text with my tongue
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
