____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
