just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that's an acceptable place to lick
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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