I accidentally burped into my bong.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize