I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
