dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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