Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
