i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
