FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
