the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
