He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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