my room smells like sperm. sweet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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