I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
