I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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