I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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