New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
