while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
