I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
