A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
