I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
