Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
