Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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