my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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