Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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