if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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