porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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