Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
