Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
