I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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