Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
